Astros Ready for Takeoff

You can’t spell playoffs without R-O-C-K-E-T. Ok, maybe you can. But only if you throw in letters like P-U-J-O-L-S or T-I-G-E-R-S P-I-T-C-H-I-N-G S-T-A-F-F. In the Houston Astro’s case, though, the playoffs were fading out of the realm of possibility, until 11 a.m. central time when Roger Clemens agreed to play one more year for the Astros.

In today’s era of ASTROnomical (haha, get it) gas prices, Rocket fuel will cost Houston a pretty penny. Something to the tune of $14 or $15 million for the rest of the 2006 season. Clemens, however, will be worth every penny.

Clemens’ impact will extend far beyond every fifth day when he takes the mound to pitch. That’s not to say the Astros don’t need him to pitch every fifth day because they do. Badly. No team is going to the playoffs, much less the World Series, if 3 of their 5 starting pitchers have a combined 20 wins over their respective careers.

But it’s precisely with these 3 young starting pitchers, Wandy Rodriguez, Fernando Nieve, and Taylor Buchholz, that the full impact of Clemens’ presence will begin to be felt. How would you feel if you got a full year to learn from the greatest living practitioner of your respective craft? Just being around Clemens, seeing his manic competitive drive and work ethic, and receiving his advice will be invaluable to all 3 young pitchers.

Beyond that, with these 3 young pitchers, Clemens has something extremely promising to work with. All 3 have major league talent. Rodriguez, with his 6-2 record and 3.95 ERA, is already having a breakthrough season. Buchholz, while erratic, has shown flashes or brilliance throwing a complete game shutout against the Rangers on May 21^st and coming within one out of a complete game shutout against the Pirates on April 22^nd. Nieve, the least polished of the group, has pitched well given that he was slated to be a middle reliever at the beginning of the season.

Clemens may be just what these young pitchers need to take their games to the next level.

It’s not just the young pitchers who will benefit from Clemens return. ‘Um, Mr. Pettite? This is the doctor’s office calling. We’ve found a cure for what’s ailed you so far this season. It cost us $15 million, so you better start pitching like your old self.’

Clemens and Pettite have been best friends ever since they played together in New York, and it’s no secret that the two have fed off each other in the past. Except for mistakes on back to back pitches Tuesday night against the Cardinals, Pettite looked much more like the old Andy Pettite going 6 innings while only giving up 3 runs. He did that knowing only that Clemens was rumored to return to the Astros. Clemens’ will hopefully be the injection that helps Pettite fully return to form.

Without Clemens, the Astros rotation consisted of Roy Oswalt, a struggling Andy Pettite, and 3 inconsistent young pitchers. With Clemens, they have Oswalt, a possibly resurgent Pettite, the greatest pitcher alive, and the final 2 roster spots will be filled by the 2 most consistent of the 3 young pitchers. Not too shabby.

But Clemens’s impact goes beyond the pitching staff. As Bob Uecker so aptly once stated, “Cerrano’s gonna need a rocket up his ass to catch that baby”. Well, the Astros needed a rocket up their ass if they were going to make the playoffs, and what do you know, they got one.

Clemens will provide the team with energy, with hope, with a sense that this team has what it takes to make it back to the World Series and win the damn thing. Don’t forget, with Clemens, this is essentially the same team that made the Fall Classic last year except they’ve added Preston Wilson to the middle to the line-up.

Does signing Clemens guarantee that the Astros will make the play-offs? Absolutely not. They still have significant questions regarding their bullpen, a non-existent bottom of the order, and if either of Berkman’s knee or Oswalt’s hamstring becomes a major problem, the Astros are done.

However, as of 11:01 a.m. central time on Wednesday May 31^st, new hope has been injected back into the Astros’ season. I’m not sure if you can spell playoffs with Clemens, but you sure can’t spell playoffs without him.

Lucky Leinart

I wrote this column after the NFL draft, but I didn’t get a chance to put in the Observer. Still, it seems relevant with NFL mini-camps just finishing. Besides, proving how big of a tool Matt Leinart is, is always a worthy of an article.

I don’t get it. Matt Leinart does not deserve this. How does this whiny douchebag (http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/draft06/news/story?id=2441017) walk from one of the greatest offenses in college history to the most promising young offense in the National Football League?

Not only did Leinart land with the suddenly juggernaut-esque Cardinals offense, he avoided being drafted by both the Jets and the Titans. For all we know, Leinart may be a completely average quarterback, but, unfortunately, he’s always played behind talent capable of masking his deficiencies.

Throughout his 3 years as starting quarterback for the Trojans, Leinart was surrounded by more talent than the cast of 24, and by the cast of 24, I mean Jack Bauer because that’s all you really need. While at USC, Leinart got to throw to Mike Williams, Dwayne Jarrett, and Steve Smith who consistently burned the defensive backs. Arm strength isn’t much of an issue when your receiver has 10 yards of separation. When he got tired of throwing to open receivers, Leinart could hand the ball off to Reggie Bush and LenDale White. He was also protected by the best offensive line in college football. Tough life.

Taking all this into account, there’s serious doubt over whether Leinart is a legit NFL quarterback or a product of the immense talent accumulated by USC during their rebirth as a college football powerhouse. Come draft day, I awaited to see which inept offense Leinart would go to, the Titans or the Jets (I was desperately hoping the Jets wouldn’t draft Leinart, but the thought that the Jets offense would ruin his career gave me some consolation).

When neither the Titans nor the Jets selected Leinart, the look on poor Matt’s face has to go down as one of the top 5 or 10 greatest sports faces of all time. I didn’t think the moment could get any better, but then ESPN kept zooming the camera right in on his face after the next 5 teams subsequently opted not to select Leinart.

But life sometimes has a way of throwing you a cruel twist, and it came for me this time with three words that I never thought could conceivably go together: ‘good’ and ‘Arizona Cardinals’. My initial delight that Leinart fell all the way to the #10 pick was immediately trumped by the realization that he had just fallen into the best possible situation imaginable for him.

With Kurt Warner as the sacrificial lamb starter for next season, Leinart will have a chance to sit and learn while Warner suffers his 22^nd concussion behind the Cardinals rebuilding offensive line. When Leinart finally does take over the offense, offensive line intact, Leinart will be throwing to two of the best young receivers in the league in Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin, and he will have one of the best running backs in the NFL, Edgerrin James, preventing defenses from focusing solely on the passing game.

Not only did Leinart get drafted by the best young offense in the NFL, he avoided getting drafted by two of the worst offenses in the league. Quick, name more than one offensive starter on either the Jets or the Titans. Takes you a while, huh. To do a quick comparison, if Leinart had been selected by the Titans, he would be throwing to Drew Bennett and Tyrone Calico with Chris Brown as his starting running back. With the Jets, his receivers would be Laverneous Coles and Justin Mccareins with the aging Curtis Martin as his running back. Just breathtaking the offensive weapons at the disposal of the Titans and Jets (I can’t tell you how much it pains me to say this).

If this were a Monopoly game, Leinart would be the guy already with the most money who then misses the hotels on Marvin Gardens AND Pennsylvania Avenue only to land on Boardwalk when he already was in possession of Park Place. He’d also be the guy complaining that he had to pay so much money when he landed on Income Tax (seriously, read the link I put up at the beginning of the article).

Well, I guess I can take consolation in one thing. Although Leinart lucked into being drafted by the Cardinals, he did get drafted by the Cardinals. The franchise that has won exactly one playoff game since 1980 while making the playoffs only twice. The franchise that has never won a Super Bowl despite existing since the NFL’s inception. The franchise that repeatedly has not empty seats, but empty sections at their home games year after year. I mean, they have to be doing something wrong, don’t they?

Leinart can’t change all that. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself.

Countdown

At the beginning of this baseball season, the only thing people were counting was how many days it would take Barry Bonds to pass Babe Ruth and, eventually, break Hank Aaron’s record for career home runs.

Well, one and a half months into the season, we’re still waiting for Bonds to pass Ruth, and it has become clear that Bonds has the about as much chance of breaking Aaron’s home run record as Mischa Barton does of cracking triple digits on the weight scale.

Given the behavior of not only Russ Springer (he just lost control of those pitches, I swear) but also the reaction of the normally polite Houston fans the other night, I think it’s time for baseball enthusiasts to start a new countdown. How long until the climactic moment when Barry Bonds finally snaps?

The moment when the steroid allegations, the gradual depreciation of his body (have you seen Bonds try to catch a fly ball?), and even the occasional syringe just push Bonds over the edge. Rest assured, when it happens, it will be a moment that goes down in sporting history. Think of Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield in the ear, and put that moment on steroids (I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist). That will be Barry Bonds at some point this season.

Barry Bonds? Snapping? Impossible you say? I understand those of you who might be skeptical to this proposition as Bonds has always had a thick skin. For his entire career, he has been virtually immune to heckling from fans and negative press from the media. If there’s anyone who can ignore the crowd giving a standing ovation to a pitcher that just intentionally threw at his head on 5 consecutive pitches, it’s Barry Bonds. If there’s anyone who can blow off constant allegations of steroid usage, it’s Bonds.

HOWEVA, Bonds, this season, is not just dealing with the occasional fan with an asterisk sign or another hypocrite major leaguer (do you know anyone like this Jose Canseco?) accusing Bonds of steroid usage.

Last month, allegations surfaced that Bonds is to face perjury charges for lying under oath to a grand jury in 2003 when he said that he unknowingly took steroids. Unfortunately for Bonds, this perjury trial coincides with the release of ‘Game of Shadows’, which is basically a documentary proving that Bonds has knowingly taken enough steroids over the past 8 years to kill a small horse. If rumors of his use of steroids weren’t enough to make Barry sweat, maybe the thought of 20 years in jail will.

This perjury charge added fuel to the fire in the ‘We hate Barry Bonds club’ across America. Bonds could sense that the animosity directed towards him was reaching new heights, so he did what any logical American in his situation would have done…. make a reality television show.

Oh, you haven’t watched an episode of ‘Bonds on Bonds’ yet? Don’t worry, neither has the rest of America. Apparently, people aren’t interested in watching Bonds try to explain why he’s a victim of the system while he’s sitting in the comfort of his private jet.

The real kicker in this situation, though, is that Barry Bonds is not the player he once was. Not even close. This might have a little something to do with the fact that he’s stopped taking steroids, that is if he’s been taking steroids. In the two years since baseball began cracking down on steroid usage, Bonds knee has become completely useless and he now has 10-12 bone chips floating around in his left elbow. This could also be due to old age, but, either way, he is not the hitter he once was.

This affects Bonds more than anything else. Bonds has been able to deflect all the negative publicity throughout all the years by silencing people through his performance inflating his ego to record heights along the way. Allegedly, the primary reason he began using steroids was because he was upset that home run hitters were receiving all the love from the media and fans while his quietly impressive seasons were being ignored. Well, Bonds got what he wanted the past couple of seasons, and he was able to justify his behavior with each home run he hit. Barry Bonds ain’t hitting so many home runs anymore. He’s going to be living increasingly in a world where the anti-sentiment towards him increases as his ability decreases. An explosive cocktail.

To review the current state of Barry Bonds’ life. Facing possible jail time, check. Anti-sentiment of public at an all-time high, check. No chance of breaking Hank Aaron’s home run record, check. Let the countdown begin.